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Denis Ahern's Poem Page (May) |
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Denis Ahern has been associated with the Sail Loft since its first year. Live renditions of his poems are a well received feature of Sail Loft evenings. Usually the subjects covered are bawdy and raucous in nature. This website feature provides a platform for some of his more sensitive works – Stop laughing, you at the back! For this third edition he offers quite a long piece entitlled Cures. There's no doubt that when one reaches a "certain" age some of this poem will move from the "I can't believe people will try that" to the "maybe I should try that!". We hope you enjoy it. |
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Cures? Now arthritis has come to blight us and, yes, of course it hurts Lithesome no more, stiffer and slower, every move's a curse It's a cruel break but with all the ache there's something a lot worse Yes, there's a more subtle form of torture to endure. My failing grip lets crockery slip to shatter on the floor - It never slipped when I could dip and catch it like before. Although behind the wheel I've a safer deal - I can't rubber-neck any more No, what hurts now is everyone offering a sure-fire certain cure. Now, I can tell they all mean well, in their sincerity and belief And some, I guess, of what they suggest could lighten the grief. Like a sauna could bring comfort - and with massage could bring relief But mostly there’s just anguish in their sure-fire certain cures. It's fertile ground for the diet hound, what to eat, when to abstain Eggs swallowed raw, Devils
Claw, dandelion seeds soaked in Moss from the Wailing Wall, hormones to grow tall and rise above the pain You need good digestion for these sure-fire certain cures. They say the seventh son of a seventh son has some fancy healing touches And prayer might gain relief from pain visiting 72 different churches Or see You can do some travelling for these sure-fire certain cures. Copper bands ease aching hands, others bind their joints with leather The sting of a bee can set your mind free of pain in frosty weather Hell! If that one's right then a crocodile bite could make you forget it altogether Who'll volunteer to test these sure-fire certain cures? Chiropractory is satisfactory if a bit on the masochistic side. The blood of a foe from his hollowed skull is one I haven't tried. Nor have I ever stood in You can only try so many of those sure-fire certain cures I've been offered ice packs, heat packs, pills that bring on heart attacks Voodoo incantations, stinking embrockations, urine of Tibetan yaks Yogic trances, Tai-chi dances, hot stones, candles, Pawnee medicine sacks From all corners of the world come these sure-fire certain cures. There's physiotherapy, hypnotherapy, a relic of the true cross, Cherry juice, nettle soup, a potion made of poteen and fragrant mountain moss, Spend a week, a month, make that
the rest of my life on the sunny isle of There's something to be said for some of these sure-fire certain cures. Some realign their beds to sleep with their heads away from malevolent forces Others use acupuncture to pinpoint the sufferings at their sources Magnets are attractive, granite's less radioactive than cod-liver and ginger sauces There's no end of variety to these sure-fire certain cures.
Apart from healers there are evil dealers pushing each lucrative line - Not Phil the Head - he's in
the Railway Shed from I mean the real stinkers like Astra Zeneca and GlaxoSmithKline They make a bleedin' fortune from their sure-fire certain cures. Now Phil the Head - but don't say I said - he'll do a favour for a brother For a modest amount he'll sort me out with one joint easing another But until the law's made straight that happy state could land a man in bother. Well, they all have their side effects, these sure-fire certain cures. So's not to endure any more of these cures I've devised a little flam, To give 'em pause I've concocted a cause for why I'm walking the way I am With a jut of the chin and a
rueful grin I'll say it's shrapnel from back in ' And see who'll offer any sure-fire certain cure. But then I might pay attention if anyone mentions a sure-fire certain cure I'd drop my cynic's malaise 'cause the stakes are raised higher than ever before. Have no doubt what we're talking about is nothing less than cure for war And for that I'd try any - I'd try all of those sure-fire certain cures. Denis Ahern
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